Friday, 21 July 2017

Trump FINALLY Acknowledges Global Warming, Proposes Radical Solution

In an unprecedented move, Donald Trump has gone back on one of his most notorious allegations. After spending his entire campaign denying the existence of global warming, he has finally admitted it might have some bearing in reality. He delivered the unexpected announcement, unsurprisingly, through Twitter. It attracted millions of users when he posted the following message to his Twitter feed.

"Went out on the golf course, and it was 2 degrees higher than yesterday. Global Warming is a thing after all."

"I never said that climate change wasn't real," Trump said to a reporter asking about his previous claims. When confronted with a recording of himself denying the existence of global warming, Trump insisted that it was fake. "There is no way a man with my talents would ever believe such a stupid claim. It's not just a hoax. China really is trying to heat up the planet and we need to stop them!"

Trump still refuses to re-enter the Paris Agreement, claiming that America is fully capable of resolving the crisis on its own. He then proceeded to spend an hour arguing with his entire cabinet as he tried to figure out a new solution. Audiences were amazed at the press conference the following day, where Trump proposed his new solution.

"The oceans are warming up and melting ice," Trump said to the press. "We need to find a way to make them cold again. When you have a hot drink, you dump ice cubes into it. Clearly the most effective way to stop global warming is more ice."

Trump's press conference, where he made the shocking acknowledgement of Global Warming

When asked by a member of the press for information on how Trump planned to carry this out, he had this to say:

"It's very simple. We are going to make some really, REALLY large blocks of ice, and then we're going to dump 'em into the ocean. I think the whole thing should cost around $42,000."

It was after this that Trump was bombarded with questions about how he planned to obtain the large ice cubes and how he was going to "dump them" into the ocean. He refused to answer any of these but maintained he had "top people" working on it.

Meanwhile, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has expressed skepticism towards Trump's idea, stating "Global warming is not that simple. Freezing the ocean isn't going to stop it." Trump retorted by saying on his Twitter feed that Trudeau needs to "learn astronomy" and "stop being such a baby."

Monday, 20 March 2017

New Evidence Confirms 42 is the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything

In 1978, BBC writer Douglas Adams famously introduced the computer Deep Thought to his popular saga The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Deep Thought was intended to determine the answer to  the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. But there was a problem. After seven and a half million years of calculations Deep Thought presented the answer, 42, only for it to turn out nobody knew the Ultimate Question. This has become a popular joke and one that has often been referenced in countless science fiction works.

Only now it turns out Adams may have been closer to the truth than anyone realized. Astronomers at the University of Woolamaloo were astounded when they uncovered the shocking evidence that definitively proves 42 is in fact the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

"Those pommies ain't got nothing on us now," yelled Dr. Bruce Idle, dean of the university's astronomy department. "We know the answer to life, the universe, and everything."

According to Smith, the discovery was made by accident during a party with the University's Philosophy Department. A number of faculty members were drinking heavily when Dr. Bruce Chapman, an instructor of classical philosophy, accidentally tripped over a telescope. When he looked through the eyepiece, he reportedly saw the number 42.

"It was unbelievable!" Chapman yelled. "I was a little drunk but I could clearly see that it was the number 42.

Dr. Bruce Chapman (Middle-Left) and his team after their discovery

Dr. Bruce Palin was slightly less drunk, having managed to drink one less milliliter of beer than Chapman. He also corroborated Chapman's story.

"All this time we thought we could only see part of the universe," Palin said. "Turns out we can see all of it. There's just so many empty spaces because the universe itself is shaped like the numbers 42. How did we not find this sooner?"

"This will revolutionize science as we know it."

But not everyone was excited about the discovery. Dr. Bruce Jones, a professor of rationalist thinking, has expressed his own concerns.

"We need to be careful with this discovery," Jones said. "If there is actually a meaning of life we philosophers are going to be out of business!"

When questioned about the implications of this discovery with regards to the meaning of life, Dr. Palin simply yelled "NO POOFTERS!"

Dr. Cleese has a slightly different interpretation. When asked for his impression, he said "Now I really don't want to catch anyone NOT DRINKING AFTER HOURS!"

Further drinking research is being conducted in order to figure out the ultimate question.

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Trump Announces Plans to Buy Death Star

Donald Trump has had a reputation for making unusual claims, such as saying that he wants to build a wall across the U.S.-Mexico border. He has also claimed that Obama wire-tapped his phone and said a lot of things that have been considered racist and misogynistic. But he took America by surprise with his latest proposal- to buy the Death Star, a giant space station capable of destroying entire planets. According to Trump, this is a perfect method of ensuring order and co-operation within America.

"I am a close friend of Peter Cushing," Trump said at his speech. "We have reached an arrangement and I will buy the Death Star from him for 42,000 dollars."

A reporter interjected with the claim that Peter Cushing died in 1994, almost twenty years before Trump indicated the transaction happened. This cast some suspicion on the allegation that Trump actually made a deal of any kind with the actor. An anonymous White House employee has claimed that the "meeting" was in fact three straight weeks of Trump arguing with a cardboard cutout of Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars.

According to Trump, the Death Star is a massive superweapon capable of flying across billions of lightyears with a laser that can destroy entire planets. Upon purchase, Trump said it would take a small team to keep it operational.

"We need to ensure the safety of America!" Trump said at his speech in justification of the alleged transaction. "If Mexico won't stop sending their rapists across the boarder, we'll destroy them. We can also finally use it to get rid of ISIS."

Trump laughed as he ended his speech. "Finally," he said. "I will target Hillary Clinton's house and wipe her from the planet. I will also take care of the incompetent and corrupt fool that is Justin Trudeau and we will own Canada!"

When asked about the potential weapon that could destroy Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau burst into laughter. "Trump has reached a new low," Trudeau claimed once he finally calmed down. "The Death Star is a fictional construct. Has he never seen Star Wars. It's not real, it can't hurt me. But just in case he pulls it off, I've got a borg cube on standby. If he thinks he can blow up Canada, I'll just assimilate the United States. Mutually assured destruction!"

Justin Trudeau laughed at Trump's claim that he was going to buy the Death Star

Donald Trump has denied Trudeau's claim that the Death Star is a fictional weapon created by George Lucas for the 1977 space opera Star Wars. When confronted with this statement, Trump responded immediately.

"Haven't you guys seen Rogue One?" Trump yelled at the press. "That was obviously about the Death Star. I didn't see George Lucas's name in the credits, and that film came out last year. Obviously it can't have come from Star Wars."

Trump hopes to acquire the Death Star on April 42, 2017. He hopes to have it fully staffed within a week.