Monday, 20 March 2017

New Evidence Confirms 42 is the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything

In 1978, BBC writer Douglas Adams famously introduced the computer Deep Thought to his popular saga The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Deep Thought was intended to determine the answer to  the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. But there was a problem. After seven and a half million years of calculations Deep Thought presented the answer, 42, only for it to turn out nobody knew the Ultimate Question. This has become a popular joke and one that has often been referenced in countless science fiction works.

Only now it turns out Adams may have been closer to the truth than anyone realized. Astronomers at the University of Woolamaloo were astounded when they uncovered the shocking evidence that definitively proves 42 is in fact the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

"Those pommies ain't got nothing on us now," yelled Dr. Bruce Idle, dean of the university's astronomy department. "We know the answer to life, the universe, and everything."

According to Smith, the discovery was made by accident during a party with the University's Philosophy Department. A number of faculty members were drinking heavily when Dr. Bruce Chapman, an instructor of classical philosophy, accidentally tripped over a telescope. When he looked through the eyepiece, he reportedly saw the number 42.

"It was unbelievable!" Chapman yelled. "I was a little drunk but I could clearly see that it was the number 42.

Dr. Bruce Chapman (Middle-Left) and his team after their discovery

Dr. Bruce Palin was slightly less drunk, having managed to drink one less milliliter of beer than Chapman. He also corroborated Chapman's story.

"All this time we thought we could only see part of the universe," Palin said. "Turns out we can see all of it. There's just so many empty spaces because the universe itself is shaped like the numbers 42. How did we not find this sooner?"

"This will revolutionize science as we know it."

But not everyone was excited about the discovery. Dr. Bruce Jones, a professor of rationalist thinking, has expressed his own concerns.

"We need to be careful with this discovery," Jones said. "If there is actually a meaning of life we philosophers are going to be out of business!"

When questioned about the implications of this discovery with regards to the meaning of life, Dr. Palin simply yelled "NO POOFTERS!"

Dr. Cleese has a slightly different interpretation. When asked for his impression, he said "Now I really don't want to catch anyone NOT DRINKING AFTER HOURS!"

Further drinking research is being conducted in order to figure out the ultimate question.

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Trump Announces Plans to Buy Death Star

Donald Trump has had a reputation for making unusual claims, such as saying that he wants to build a wall across the U.S.-Mexico border. He has also claimed that Obama wire-tapped his phone and said a lot of things that have been considered racist and misogynistic. But he took America by surprise with his latest proposal- to buy the Death Star, a giant space station capable of destroying entire planets. According to Trump, this is a perfect method of ensuring order and co-operation within America.

"I am a close friend of Peter Cushing," Trump said at his speech. "We have reached an arrangement and I will buy the Death Star from him for 42,000 dollars."

A reporter interjected with the claim that Peter Cushing died in 1994, almost twenty years before Trump indicated the transaction happened. This cast some suspicion on the allegation that Trump actually made a deal of any kind with the actor. An anonymous White House employee has claimed that the "meeting" was in fact three straight weeks of Trump arguing with a cardboard cutout of Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars.

According to Trump, the Death Star is a massive superweapon capable of flying across billions of lightyears with a laser that can destroy entire planets. Upon purchase, Trump said it would take a small team to keep it operational.

"We need to ensure the safety of America!" Trump said at his speech in justification of the alleged transaction. "If Mexico won't stop sending their rapists across the boarder, we'll destroy them. We can also finally use it to get rid of ISIS."

Trump laughed as he ended his speech. "Finally," he said. "I will target Hillary Clinton's house and wipe her from the planet. I will also take care of the incompetent and corrupt fool that is Justin Trudeau and we will own Canada!"

When asked about the potential weapon that could destroy Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau burst into laughter. "Trump has reached a new low," Trudeau claimed once he finally calmed down. "The Death Star is a fictional construct. Has he never seen Star Wars. It's not real, it can't hurt me. But just in case he pulls it off, I've got a borg cube on standby. If he thinks he can blow up Canada, I'll just assimilate the United States. Mutually assured destruction!"

Justin Trudeau laughed at Trump's claim that he was going to buy the Death Star

Donald Trump has denied Trudeau's claim that the Death Star is a fictional weapon created by George Lucas for the 1977 space opera Star Wars. When confronted with this statement, Trump responded immediately.

"Haven't you guys seen Rogue One?" Trump yelled at the press. "That was obviously about the Death Star. I didn't see George Lucas's name in the credits, and that film came out last year. Obviously it can't have come from Star Wars."

Trump hopes to acquire the Death Star on April 42, 2017. He hopes to have it fully staffed within a week.