Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Trump Announces Plans to Buy Death Star

Donald Trump has had a reputation for making unusual claims, such as saying that he wants to build a wall across the U.S.-Mexico border. He has also claimed that Obama wire-tapped his phone and said a lot of things that have been considered racist and misogynistic. But he took America by surprise with his latest proposal- to buy the Death Star, a giant space station capable of destroying entire planets. According to Trump, this is a perfect method of ensuring order and co-operation within America.

"I am a close friend of Peter Cushing," Trump said at his speech. "We have reached an arrangement and I will buy the Death Star from him for 42,000 dollars."

A reporter interjected with the claim that Peter Cushing died in 1994, almost twenty years before Trump indicated the transaction happened. This cast some suspicion on the allegation that Trump actually made a deal of any kind with the actor. An anonymous White House employee has claimed that the "meeting" was in fact three straight weeks of Trump arguing with a cardboard cutout of Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars.

According to Trump, the Death Star is a massive superweapon capable of flying across billions of lightyears with a laser that can destroy entire planets. Upon purchase, Trump said it would take a small team to keep it operational.

"We need to ensure the safety of America!" Trump said at his speech in justification of the alleged transaction. "If Mexico won't stop sending their rapists across the boarder, we'll destroy them. We can also finally use it to get rid of ISIS."

Trump laughed as he ended his speech. "Finally," he said. "I will target Hillary Clinton's house and wipe her from the planet. I will also take care of the incompetent and corrupt fool that is Justin Trudeau and we will own Canada!"

When asked about the potential weapon that could destroy Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau burst into laughter. "Trump has reached a new low," Trudeau claimed once he finally calmed down. "The Death Star is a fictional construct. Has he never seen Star Wars. It's not real, it can't hurt me. But just in case he pulls it off, I've got a borg cube on standby. If he thinks he can blow up Canada, I'll just assimilate the United States. Mutually assured destruction!"

Justin Trudeau laughed at Trump's claim that he was going to buy the Death Star

Donald Trump has denied Trudeau's claim that the Death Star is a fictional weapon created by George Lucas for the 1977 space opera Star Wars. When confronted with this statement, Trump responded immediately.

"Haven't you guys seen Rogue One?" Trump yelled at the press. "That was obviously about the Death Star. I didn't see George Lucas's name in the credits, and that film came out last year. Obviously it can't have come from Star Wars."

Trump hopes to acquire the Death Star on April 42, 2017. He hopes to have it fully staffed within a week.

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